Friday, September 23, 2005

Fear, the Bogeyman

Three weeks ago I was lamenting the fact that all my pigeons had dumped me, except for L. in prison because she doesn't have much of a choice, and that I had better start trolling for more if I want to stay well. Mind you, their dumping me wasn't personal and I didn't take it that way; they either drank or thought they could stay sober on their own. Not everything is about me. (Smirk)

Interestingly enough, just days after my whine, I was asked by S. if I would be her sponsor. I jumped at the chance, of course, and it's been a daily grind ever since. This person has consistently failed at life skills of the relationship variety since childhood, because she was emotionally damaged at a very young age. She's insecure, reactionary, physically abusive and she lacks trust, but at two years sober she has learned to be trustWORTHY and helpful. That's a start, anyway. She calls me once, sometimes twice, everyday like she's supposed to, and she's working on and getting better (slowly) at calling me BEFORE she reacts negatively to her SO. It's almost like a newcomer who still obsesses over a drink - call someone BEFORE you pick up.

I have to micro-manage her emotional life. She needs that much help. I am loving every minute of it...well, ALMOST every minute of it. It constantly reminds me of how I was, what seems like, a lifetime ago.

I was shy, pouty, miserable as a kid, afraid of my shadow and afraid of being abandoned by my family. I felt inferior to my older brother, jealous of my sister, but felt pure love toward my younger brother. [Fascinating. I never really thought of that until now. The loving my little brother-part. I'll have to look into that. My first response is that he didn't pose as a threat of some kind, was just a loving kid].

I understand that, as a child, one places an overwhelming amount of dependence upon family members for the child's very survival, but at some point you would think that that same child would grow up and start to rely on him/herself, rather than cling to the notion that other humans are his/her life and breath.

I missed that part.

I was so full of fear. Afraid of abandonment, afraid of being alone, afraid of not being loved, afraid of dying, afraid of failing, afraid of being misunderstood, afraid of not being respected, afraid of not being noticed, afraid of being taken advantage of, afraid of betrayal...YOU get the picture.

The funny thing about that is that I didn't know that I was THAT fearful. I didn't know that my actions were the result of my fears. I was afraid of betrayal, so I betrayed. I was afraid of failing so I didn't try. I was afraid of not being respected so I was arrogant. I was afraid of being alone so I tolerated abusive relationships.

I was a selfish, self-centered person placing far too much dependence upon other people and their actions to dictate how I was going to feel. The insanity didn't stop there. I then BLAMED those other people for my misfortunes. What an existence! What misery! The thought never crossed my mind that humans are fallible; that placing them in such a high position and EXPECTING them to "fill me up" is doomed to fail.

Carl Jung once told a drunk that he needed a psychic change, or vital spiritual experience in order to recover, and added that the phenomenon is a "huge emotional displacement and rearrangement". Another way to think of this change or experience is; a profound alteration in one's reaction to life.

I've had such experiences. And they really are profound, because there are no words to describe just HOW the change took place. Practice, I suppose, and gradually, over a period of time, the changes manifested.

Working with S. paradoxically helps me stay well. In her I see where I once was and where I could be again if I don't continue self-appraisals. Working with her keeps me vigilant. I hope I can help her get well, but that can't be the most important thing for me, because of EGO. I'm just a channel. All I can do is show her what I learned, and the results are up to her. SHE has to do the work.

Monday, September 19, 2005

They're At It Again

This morning I arrived at work and the "religious" lady handed me a few papers for me to read.
They consisted of a letter from a County Commissioner to the lady's church Pastor and two copies of a ballot to fill out and sign.

The letter complains about the Board being under attack by media and other groups seeking to promote a radical gay and lesbian agenda, after the Board approved a policy to abstain from acknowledging, promoting and participationg in Gay Pride recognitions and events. It goes on to say that these groups are working to change Florida's Adoption Laws so that it would be easier for gay couples to adopt children, and of course, this guy is against it.

What disturbs me the most about this letter, though, is the way in which Michael Swift was quoted. I knew nothing of Michael Smith, I knew nothing of what he wrote, but reading what the Commissioner quoted him as writing didn't sit right with me, so I did a little research.

This is how the Commissioner quoted him:

"...We shall sodomize your sons... Your sons shall become our minions and do our bidding. They will be recast in our image. They will come to crave and adore us... All laws banning homosexual activity will be revoked. Instead, legislation shall be passed which engenders love between men... The family unit-spawning ground of lies, betrayals, mediocrity, hypocrisy and violence--will be abolished. The family unit, which only dampens imagination and curbs free will, must be eliminated... All churches who condemn us will be closed. Our only gods are handsome young men..." - Gay Community News, 1987

This is what Michael Swift really wrote - the message being a far cry from what this Commissioner intended to convey.

I wonder if "religious" lady's Pastor did the same research (NOT!).

Makes me sick. Bleah.

So, the ballot is for the Florida Marriage Protection Amendment - Ballot Summary: "...Protects marriage as the legal union of only one man and one woman as husband and wife and provides that no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the subastntial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized."

There's even a website for this -

Hate mongers. Just another example of why religion and politics don't mix.

I told "religious" lady (after an all-morning deliberation on whether I should confront her or not) that the guy lied just to get the congregations riled up and vote. She didn't get it. I figured as much.