Monday, December 13, 2010

My Mind is Out to Get Me.

I should be happy.

I have a roof over my head for the moment, food on the table, and the girls and I are doing well in school. A new relationship is blossoming.

However, I am plagued with doubts. Well-meaning friends and family (and not-so-well-meaning people) tell me that I'm making horrible decisions. Well, they don't actually say "horrible" decisions, they say, "You're CRAZY!"

Instead of thanking them for their unsolicited advice and going on about my day, I stop to consider what they say and wonder if they know something that I don't. I wonder if they actually have the secret to life and how to live it successfully. I then become afraid that I am making huge mistakes again, and that my life will be doomed because of them.

I guess it boils down to me not having enough faith in myself.

I also need to stand up for myself and stop listening to everyone who is quick with expressing their (negative) opinions of me and mine.

That being said, the real reason that I am plagued with doubts is that I don't believe that I could be loved and respected. I know what it is to love. I know what it is to give love. I know that far more than what it feels like to receive love; the kind I give, anyway. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I only base what love is on MY OWN feelings of love, which, basically, is the giving of myself totally and completely. I don't believe anyone has ever done that to or for me.

I think I'll go cry now. I'm tired of crying, though. I'm tired of being afraid. I thought I had gotten over being afraid.

Two years -- tomorrow.