Monday, June 13, 2005

June Already

Ack, where does the time go?

I've been thinking about "the good old days", when I was single and drunk. Single in the sense that I wasn't married, and drunk in the sense that I was drunk.

Those were the days, though, when I thought I had all the answers. I was unhappy, deliriously so, and drinking was the only way I knew how to dispel fear and self-loathing. Once the alcohol was in my bloodstream, I felt the release of the day's worries, and a new power was bestowed upon me. My, my, I wasn't fearful then -- I was actually quite the prize! Intelligent, hard-working, not bad to look at, a great dancer; the list could go on, ad nauseum.

The problem was that I knew I was an alcoholic, I knew that I couldn't stop drinking for good, but I didn't know quite how to change the situation. I remember thinking that it was all a matter of control. Self-control. Willpower. Outer circumstances. "If only my life would be better - if I had a better job, or better boyfriend du jour, or better house to live in, I could tackle this thing!" "Nobody understands me, It's me against the world! Oooooohhhhhh, me!"

There was NO WAY I was gonna go to AA. They're a cult. They talk about this GOD shit and it made me want to puke. "I'll try a psychiatrist," said I, hoping against hope that he could make me happy enough to be able to drink with impunity.

So I went. Two sessions later I "fired" him, because he insinuated that I may have a drinking problem and that maybe I ought to address that first before tackling the emotional stuff. What did he know, anyway? He was just a shrink, after all. Besides, he was pretty scary looking, and I didn't think I would be able to open up to him. So I went to a woman shrink next. She was great. She was more comfortable. She had a Betta. I was able to dump some stuff, and she, for all intents and purposes, pat me on the back with the "There, there" kind of attitude. What stroking! Wow! But... I had to "fire" her, too, because she wanted me to join in on this "woman's circle" of sorts - group therapy, I guess - and there was NO WAY I was going to share with a bunch of WOMEN! Women were the enemy!


I was feeling the negative effects of alcohol very acutely by this time, and I was getting pretty desperate.

*Sigh* I decided to just check things out at AA, to see what they were up to. Nothing else was working - even though I got to dump some stuff, I was still miserable, and I wasn't controlling my drinking. The one thing that I clamped my mind shut against, that I vehemently opposed, was the one thing that I was checking out because I was desperate. Nothing else worked.

That one thing that I vehemently opposed, the thing that I had no clue about, was the very thing that saved my ever-loving ASS.

I am not so quick to say that something won't work before trying it, nowadays. I've found in the past that the opinions that I grew up with, or the opinions that I had formed as a result of my childhood may be very limited, and that there's a whole world out there to explore and to expand my limited view. I just have to remain teachable.


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