Friday, May 06, 2005

Wow, What a Trip

Well, I'm back! I've returned from a stroll down Abuse Street and Manipulation Avenue! I'm just hoping that in the future I can recognize that neighborhood and avoid it altogether.

It was a great lesson. For the last few days there was excruciating emotional pain, and then amazing clarity. And release. Wow.

I was all caught up in the fact that sponsor-lady had Bill W. as a grand sponsor. I gave her some latitude with respect to the way she talked to me and about my husband. But my INSTINCTS were screaming at me.

I'm all for listing and analyzing my resentments. I'm all for examining motives. I look forward to listing fears and how they affect the decisions I make. I even understand that all these things can be buried deep within the psyche and can appear distorted on the surface.

I also know how to sponsor others. It is NOT by calling the sponsee's significant other names, or voicing your displeasure with him/her. It is NOT by assuming that the sponsee wants to get out of the marriage, or stay in it, for that matter. It is NOT by brow-beating the sponsee into submissiveness, or by manipulating the sponsee.

Simply put, the woman did not have what I wanted, and it took a meltdown to see it. It also took a meltdown to get up the courage to confront her (remember - fear of confrontation?).

I calmly told her how I felt. How I was angry and thought it was inappropriate the way she talked about my husband (she apologized for that). I thanked her for helping me face this fear of confrontation. I told her that her "North vs South" tirade had me flabbergasted. What made me the most angry, I told her, was when she lambasted my vision of my truth or existence today.

She was manipulative to the very end. Her response was that she needed to end the conversation because she was flabbergasted with the way I had just spoken to her. No one - no other sponsee had ever spoken to her like I just did. Hmmm...

Ego, baby, ego.

I have to thank her, though, because, while she vehemently disagrees with me, I have realized what I am today. I know what gives me the giggles and makes me happiest today. I understand that our truths change as life experiences change, but TODAY I am:

A Wife and Mother - family is THE MOST important thing in my life today. Emotional growth in the family unit, a sense of belonging and security.

A Sponsor - I visited with one of my sponsees the other night and left there so overjoyed for being able to witness and be a part of her growth over the past year. The difference between a year ago and now is astounding! I now know that my job today is to be a channel. What a humbling experience!.. Paradoxically, with humility comes freedom!

A Healer - although novice at best, this is where, ultimately, I believe my path will lead. I'm an empath. My truth is seeing spiritual and emotional healing take place first, so that everything else will adjust accordingly.

So there.

This is my epiphany for the month. Weee!


Blogger Rita Xavier said...

I'm thinking of coming to visit, and I'll try not to be abusive. I figure I'll visit you guys (mostly girls) first, then head north. Dottie keeps bugging me about when am I coming (she's been doing that for months), so I guess I'll start making plans.

May 06, 2005 2:15 PM  
Blogger Carrie Kelley said...


May 06, 2005 4:26 PM  
Anonymous craig said...

Mom, stop by Dad's place and bring some of my stuff down with you.

May 06, 2005 6:44 PM  

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