Tropikelleys

The Only Thing That Remains Constant is Change

2011-05-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

It is time; time to close yet another door and open the next.

Our days in the Riverview house are numbered.

It has been a good run at this house; an eventful run, full of experience and learning. There have been many different types of days here; very good, contented days, juxtaposed by desperately tragic ones. There were days full of confusion and worry, and days that exuded cautious optimism and hope. We lived life here, and death.

Today I am excited and scared, but more excited than scared. I am finally feeling trust slip back into my heart, which replaces some of the fear that has been there for too long a time. I am excited for our new adventure. The girls are more reticent than I, because the last time we moved they were very young and their lives weren't impacted as greatly as they think they will be now. Little do they know that their lives have been one big change over the last few years; just all in one place.

Make way for life. I am living it. I insist that the girls live it. I am loving and living and I refuse to be led by anything less than my love for others.

Change is good.

My Mind is Out to Get Me.

2010-12-13T10:15:00.000-08:00

I should be happy.

I have a roof over my head for the moment, food on the table, and the girls and I are doing well in school. A new relationship is blossoming.

However, I am plagued with doubts. Well-meaning friends and family (and not-so-well-meaning people) tell me that I'm making horrible decisions. Well, they don't actually say "horrible" decisions, they say, "You're CRAZY!"

Instead of thanking them for their unsolicited advice and going on about my day, I stop to consider what they say and wonder if they know something that I don't. I wonder if they actually have the secret to life and how to live it successfully. I then become afraid that I am making huge mistakes again, and that my life will be doomed because of them.

I guess it boils down to me not having enough faith in myself.

I also need to stand up for myself and stop listening to everyone who is quick with expressing their (negative) opinions of me and mine.

That being said, the real reason that I am plagued with doubts is that I don't believe that I could be loved and respected. I know what it is to love. I know what it is to give love. I know that far more than what it feels like to receive love; the kind I give, anyway. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I only base what love is on MY OWN feelings of love, which, basically, is the giving of myself totally and completely. I don't believe anyone has ever done that to or for me.

I think I'll go cry now. I'm tired of crying, though. I'm tired of being afraid. I thought I had gotten over being afraid.

Two years -- tomorrow.

I Hate Poetry

2010-09-27T19:38:00.001-07:00

Multiple meanings, metaphors,

allegories, archetypes,

symbolism, similes,

and biographies.

The writer writes but

doesn't say what he says,

doesn't mean what he says and

doesn't say what he means. He

doesn't mean what he means,

at least superficially.

Someday I'd like to read a poem

that is right there on top,

floating, on the surface

without digging deep.

Is it possible

to be poetic

without

being

cryptic?

Life Goes On

2010-09-06T17:09:00.000-07:00

I was angry. I was really afraid. I was so alone. Bob was completely convinced that he didn't have cancer anymore. He had convinced others that he had been cured in Brazil. They believed him! A few people even went to Brazil for some of that "healing"!

A year after he was originally diagnosed with Stage 2 squamous cell carcinoma, Bob went to an oral surgeon because he thought that he had a deep infection in his jaw, or that he had Tetanus. The oral surgeon suggested that he get a CT scan and made a referral. The CT scan came back with the results that I (secretly) knew already -- Stage 4 nasopharyngeal carcinoma. The pictures were examined by two separate doctors on two separate occasions. When the diagnosis was presented to Bob, he insisted that the doctors didn't know what they were talking about. He went to Brazil again (I believe he went to Brazil a total of 5 times) and talked to a "healer" who told him that it was an infection (again), and he, in turn, told everyone that he was cancer-free.

I was watching my husband die slowly, knowing that his particular cancer could have been arrested had he chosen conventional treatment. I watched him continue to tell people that he was cured and that I was crazy. He was sure that I wanted him dead. He said that our "contract" was over, that I was far more fearful than he had hoped I would be (as in, living a life without fear; fear is lack of faith and trust in a Higher Power, etc.), and that I was never going to attain any spiritual enlightenment like he had.

So, I was angry. I was really afraid (but not the kind of fear that he meant). I was so alone.

Regardless of how I felt, I knew that any attempt to convince him that he, in fact, WAS dying of cancer would be futile; it might be even more detrimental to our already fragile relationship and might send him over the edge. I really didn't want him to snap. I was willing to set aside my need to be right in order for him to come to terms with his demise in his own good time.

And so he did. It took an agonizingly long time, but he did. It took him getting a tracheostomy and a feeding tube, but he did.

Then came the obstinacy about everything.

When Bob was released early from the hospital (because the drs didn't want him to leave A.M.A.), he didn't want Hospice to start their care with him, but he wanted Home Health Care. The night he came home was the night the seizures started. At first I thought he had fainted, but after a few horrifying evenings and calls to 911 with his refusals to return to the hospital, I realized that they were seizures. I was at wit's end. I couldn't do this on my own. I asked Bob's friends to come help me watch him until he refused to let them stay. I had to get Bob's G.P. to prescribe Hospice. He still wanted Home Health Care. During the Dr. visit, I fell apart. I cried. I begged the Doctor to prescribe Hospice. I pleaded, crying, in front of Bob, God, and everyone else.

Hospice started their visits, and attempted to medicate Bob. He was in excruciating pain, but refused opiates. He refused a lot of things, and really tested the patience of the nurses. Because he was losing weight rapidly, there were many dosage adjustments made and he also took a trip to a Hospice facility for a week.

August to December. 2008. Hospice, arguments, Hospice, refusals, Hospice, sleeping on the closet or bathroom floor, Hospice, concessions, Hospice, arguments, emaciation, Hospice, hospital bed in the bedroom, Hospice, morphine (ahhhh, blessed morphine! He could finally sleep!), Hospice, coma, Hospice, TRANSITION.

Bob died peacefully at home on December 14, 2008.

------

And life goes on.

I was still very angry, and really afraid, and so alone.

Something was added to that, though. I was hopeful. I saw new opportunities ahead. I took those and ran with them.

Unfortunately I also ran with the anger and the fear and the loneliness. My judgment was clouded. I was grieving. I made a decision of the relationship variety that subsequently became a "valuable life lesson" (a much better way of looking at this than calling it a mistake). It took a year to rectify the situation, and luckily I came out of it relatively unscathed, and hopefully a tad wiser.

I am still hopeful. I still believe that there are unlimited possibilities, and that I should do what I love. I am doing that, and it is glorious!

I also know that I loved Bob well.

I am not angry. I am not afraid. I am not alone.

My, What Changes.

2010-01-01T16:22:00.000-08:00

Well.

It has been a little over a year since Bob died. The father of my children. My husband of 17 years.

I still grieve. The grief changes, I am finding out, but it's there nonetheless.

It has been a wild roller coaster ride over the last 3 years.

I think 2010 promises to bring many changes to my life, at least in my own mind, because the children and I have experienced nothing BUT change on the outside. My mind, however, seems to have been placed on cruise control during this time. This holiday season has me feeling that my life with Bob is finally coming to a close.

Those who witness my life may think it odd that I say that, as I quickly "wrapped up" things in the household; my life as it has manifested (new boyfriend, starting school, etc.). But in my MIND, I was still half expecting Bob to walk through the front door as if he was coming home from a long vacation.

I miss him.

I am happy with my life as it is.

I am looking forward to continuing this good life.

Throw me a bone

2008-06-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

It is now June, 2008, and things are excruciatingly difficult. At the end of last June I told whomever resides upstairs that I could NOT live like this for another year. At the end of last June the doctor estimated that Bob had six months to a year to live.

Well, he is finally admitting that he is in immense pain, but still insists that the pain is not from cancer, but from a host of other things that he has conjured up in his mind. He is slowing down a bit, but not enough for people on the outside to see that he's a dying man.

Isn't it lovely to have to secretly arrange for his death?

Isn't it lovely for the girls and me to have to whisper about Daddy's demise?

This has cost me my job and my sanity and my health.

His trips to Brazil have cost this family financial resources and sanity, and a FATHER.

I WANT IT TO END

NOW

Rough Times

2007-05-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

It will be soon, I'm guessing.

The Doctor was wrong, or I was given wrong information -- I'm thinking the latter.

We are preparing, but in a secretive way, as the victim will admit nothing.

Horrible, horrible stuff.

Gymnastics!

2006-10-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

And don't let me logoff without saying how proud of my EMILY I am!

Emily was so very nervous before her Gymnastics meet yesterday! She was ready to chicken out, but I wouldn't let her. She thought she wasn't prepared. Hah! She won First Place on the Bar, Second Place on the Balance Beam, Second Place on the Floor, and Fourth Place on the vault.

Afterwards, she wasn't nervous anymore.

:)

Florida All-State Chorus - AGAIN?!

2006-10-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

Grace reluctantly auditioned for the HIGH SCHOOL Florida All-State Chorus. She took the written test and the sight-reading test. As usual, this is the first part of the audition. She didn't really want to audition, because High School is M U C H harder than Middle School, or so they say. Mr. N., the High School Chorus teacher, who, incidentally, is Mrs. N.'s husband (Mrs. N. is the Middle School Chorus teacher), convinced Grace and her friend to audition.

Well. Guess What. After all that complaining that it's soooooo hard, she passed!

She is good, I tell ya.

USF Festival of Voices

2006-09-26T06:34:00.000-07:00

This is what My Gracie did all last weekend. She sang with the best of Tampa Bay! Or, as someone else put it, The Best of 'Em sang with Grace!

Cancer, or Lack Thereof?

2006-09-22T07:06:00.000-07:00

So, Bob asked the Doc to do some tests on him. The Doc was very interested in how Bob was doing re: the cancer, so he ordered a complete blood workup.

Bob went to see the Doc yesterday, to discuss the results of the tests. There are no indications or markers, or whatever the present "Doc" terminology is, of cancer. The Doc asked him how he did it. The Doc said he's open-minded and concedes that Docs don't have all the answers.

Bob is going to Brazil again. Once he gets back, he will probably get a CAT scan done and a PET scan done.

Hooray for our side!

Smack me if I ever sound skeptical again!

Crock

2006-09-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

Grace is playing the piano in the living room when Bob walks in the front door. Grace stops playing.

Grace: Daddy, Steve Irwin died.

Bob: Crikey!!!

Grace: [laughing] DADDY!! You're evil!

3 months

2006-08-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

I guess I was either too busy to even look at this blog, or I didn't feel like writing. Take your pick.

Summer vacation has come and gone -- thanks, Mom, for helping me and the kids while Bob was away!

The girlies are getting back into their school routine, another year older and wiser... Grace is a FRESHMAN IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!! and a beautiful one at that, if I do say so myself. SHe's already started fundraisers for her chorus to go to Williamsburg VA at the end of the school year.

Meghan is already busy in Notes Alive! and getting ready for All-State Chorus auditions. She's a little nervous, and complains once in a while that I MADE her join chorus (please see last December's posts or thereabouts -- I think there's a post referring to Meghan and Chorus).

Emily's in Gifted classes and thinking about joining chorus or taking an instrument -- she's in 4th grade!

Carolyn's in 1st grade! She's already writing more neatly and she's liking music, art and p.e.

Grace is taking piano lessons, Meghan's taking ice skating lessons, Emily's taking gymnastics and we're still on the fence about Carolyn.

I've quit smoking and am watching my body quickly expand. I haven't succumbed to munching, though, so I hope I can get through this weight thing without too many emotional scars.

Bob's still doing the alternative healing thing with respect to his cancer -- we'll see how that goes. He looks really good and is in good spirits.

I could go on about politics, the AMA, big oil/pharmaceuticals/corporate America, but I'm still raw from nicotine withdrawal. Not a great idea, me getting into all that, just now.

End-of-School-Year

2006-05-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

So, next week is VERY busy. I will be at the Middle school practically every evening. There's a Chorus Awards Banquet to go to, a Concert and Play that Meghan and Grace are in (respectively), a ceremony for Grace being inducted into the National Junior Honor Society, and another thing that shall remain nameless until next week, in case certain eyes see this post before then.

My good friend, J., from Virginia, is visiting her mother in Ocala, so we may take a trip up there on Sunday.

Brushfires, threats of evacuation, strandings on school busses, traffic in gridlock -- these were the stories this week that involved Grace, Meghan and me, and the rest of the family to a certain extent; I'm getting tired of pandemonium, and I want a BREAK!!!!

Bob's getting skinnier by the day, and a little weaker, it seems, but is still pretty active. I think he forgets that he needs to take it a little easier while he fasts...

NotesAlive!

2006-05-05T05:41:00.000-07:00

On May 2, Meghan's birthday, Meghan had her audition for "NotesAlive!" Yesterday she found out that she was accepted!

Yay, Meggie!

Yesterday

2006-05-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

Usually Sundays are spent at home, either doing chores or just hanging out. Carolyn and Emily are usually playing here and there, indoors or outdoors, depending on whether neighborhood kids are around or not. Grace and Meghan are usually indoors, but on a rare occasion they'll head off to the pool and swim for a while.

Yesterday was quite different.

Bob slowly made his way to the van, and I watched him drive off. He was making his rounds; visiting friends and family for most of the day. I had planned to try to catch up on chores, as I am now Chief-Dish-and-Bottle-Washer, along with Full-Time Worker-Outside-of-the-Home, so my days are very busy and tiring.

At one point in the morning, Emily told me that she and Carolyn were invited to go to the beach for the day. I called our neighbor, and, in fact, they were invited to go to Venice Beach. I packed them a little bag of beach stuff and within the hour they were on their way. They wouldn't be home until after dinner. A few minutes later, Grace asked if she could go to the movies with her friends. That left just Meghan and me. What shall we do? Meghan suggested that we go to the movies, too. I was trying to think of something that we could do that cost next-to-nothing, as Bob and I had spent too much money the day before on birthday presents and clothes. Suddenly, an idea popped into my head! "Meghan! I know! Let's go to Busch Gardens!" I had to get my pass, anyway, so why not? We all had gotten year Fun Passes from Bob's mom and sister for Christmas, and I hadn't turned in the computer printout to get my pass yet.

I dropped Grace off at one friend's house so she could go to the movies, then Meghan and I took off to B.G.. We arrived at 1:00 pm, which is late for us, but luckily the park wasn't too crowded. We went on the Montu first (my FAVORITE roller coaster!), and then took a leisurely walk through the park, stopping to see things that we hadn't checked out before. In Timbuktu we decided to see the 4-D movie, "Pirates", because it was a new 20 minute movie and we arrived right before the next showing. We laughed, screamed, held hands, and had a great time! We then shared a Chicken Caesar Salad at The Desert Grill, and then headed for the Kumba in the Congo for our last ride. On the way there, Meghan said, "Do you know that Kumba means Roar in Swahili?" I told her that I didn't, and we both decided that maybe that's why the roller coaster is so loud and sounds like a lion.

After having a great ride on the Kumba, we headed around the other side of the park, checked out the White Tigers, passed by the Sheikra (the coaster with the 90 degree drop) while watching the passengers scream, and we were closing in on the Land of the Dragons, where all the little kids play, when we saw a little girl, around one year old, crying. Her Mom was brushing the dirt off her knee and I assumed that the girl had fallen. I said, "Awww, the poor baby is crying!" Meghan said, "You're used to that, aren't ya, Mom? You've had a LOT of babies crying! Do you miss it?" I had to think about that for a moment. "Ahhh, yes and no," I answered, thoughtfully. "It's nice to have a break from it once in a while, but I miss the cuddly-cuteness. It's kind of bittersweet." To that, Meghan added, "Like Dark Chocolate!" We laughed, held hands, and kept walking.

As we were getting closer to the front entrance, I was happy that I got to share this time with Meghan, and sad that the other girls were not with us, and, I was coming to the realization that this may be the beginning of a new trend in our family life. The girls are getting older and will most likely do more things outside of the house. We will probably do more things separately from one another, with more frequency, as time goes on; and Bob may not have the strength to do many things with us. I suddenly felt a twinge in my heart, a sense of loss and foreboding -- yes, Meghan, it IS bittersweet -- to feel ready for the babies to grow up, but to still want to cling to them with all the strength I can muster, just for one last moment of cuddly-babyness.

The Abyss

2006-04-05T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm standing at the edge of it, looking into the dark chasm of the unknown. Wow. It's deep. I see fear in there, of course, floating along the sides; and uncertainty, and little pieces of panic. At times they flow freely from one another, and at other times they conjoin and move erratically. My chest then constricts and I die another death.

Ah, but what is life without death? I have died more times than I can count; after which, my life is lived more fully and completely and with less fear.

But THIS time... this time... will test my resolve. It will test my ability to remain in the present moment, to rely upon synchronicities in looking for answers, to not make decisions based in fear.

Warning

2006-03-17T10:51:00.000-08:00

These are not great photos. I was going to take more on the last day, but instead I was sent home with a fever of 101 degrees.

The Festival was tiring, but fun. The house was PACKED for the Willie Nelson concert! Bob and the gang LOVED it (11th row? Not bad, eh?)!

The second photo is in the front of the Armory, or Main Office Building, looking toward the "Kiddie Corral". It's a tiny version of the very large Midway on the opposite end of the grounds. I tried to capture the fact that on the day I took the pics, it was pretty crowded, but these pics don't do justice. The third photo is of the same thing, just with telephoto.

First Day

2006-03-03T13:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the first day of the Festival. The weather was very warm and sunny, and many Senior Citizens showed up.

Grace and Meghan performed at 1:00 pm in the "Show Tent" with the Eisenhower Middle School Chorus.

The first picture is of Meghan and her 6th grade chorus. Meghan is on the very end on the right hand side, second row from the front. Her hair is in a pony tail.

The second picture is of Grace in "Notes Alive!", The 7th and 8th grade show choir. See how she's front and center? That's my girl!

At around 5:00 pm Grace and a few of her friends (and the parent chaperone and the music teacher) showed up at the Festival office and serenaded us with a song. It was wonderful!

Meghan came by the office at around 5:30 pm all sweaty and flushed - she "overdid it" on the rides, if you catch my meaning.

More to come soon!

Almost

2006-02-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

The exhibitors and Concessionaires are setting up. It's very busy here, and the Festival hasn't even started! Bob and I went to the Media Party on Saturday, and I went to the Exhibitors' and Concessionaires' Supper last night. I've already worked through the past weekend, and have two more weekends to go! Everyone's working until late in the evenings and getting tired already.

Two more days until it starts!

Grace and Meghan will be singing at 1:00 p.m. on the first day of the festival. Then they get to play until I get off work at 6:00 p.m.

I've been thinking about writing something "deep" lately, but my brain... my brain... uhhhh... yeah.

Maybe I'll post some pictures of the Festival in a few days.

Hair

2006-02-19T12:49:00.000-08:00

The girls went and got their hair cut...

I have Carolyn's hair braided in a bag in my dresser drawer.

Yikes!

2006-02-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd better post something on this blog, as it has been too long since I visited here.

It's getting very busy at work, and soon I'll be working everyday for 3 weeks or so. I've made some computer improvements over the summer months, so a few of our Accounting processes take about 10 minutes to complete daily, as opposed to taking an hour-and-a-half daily in the years previous. Most or all of the huge tents are up, and the maintenance guys are working 12-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week to set everything up in those tents and everywhere else.

For you Patriarchy-blamers out there, the Strawberry Queen Contest was last Saturday, so we now have a new Queen. The former (2005) Strawberry Queen is quoted as saying, "To be swept up into a great and magical adventure: is that not what every girl longs for?"

Hee hee.

Grace has finished her All-State Chorus thingy and her All-County Chorus thingy, and I started crying at both performances because that's my Gracie up there!

Lately I've been remembering Grace as my little baby, my toddler; and I realize that it was really long ago, yet it wasn't. Life is just too damned short.

Meghan bugged me for some weeks to take her ice skating. I don't know what prompted her to decide that she wanted to try it, but, when Meghan gets an idea into her head, she just doesn't let it alone. I found a rink in the next town -- imagine that! An ice rink in Florida! I took all the girls to the rink one Sunday in January.

**While waiting in line to pay the exhorbitant amount in admission fees and skate rentals, Grace decides that she doesn't want to skate and storms off, and Carolyn wants to skate and begs me to let her. Meghan starts to cry because Grace stormed off and I tell her that she can skate with Emily. The place is crowded, but I get the three girls settled in with their skates on, and their jackets on. I see that other kids have mittens or gloves on and I wish that we would have brought some, but any hand-covering apparatus we have is packed away somewhere and hasn't been seen in over 2 years. Meghan and Emily take off on the ice, and SKATE!! No problem! Roller blading has helped with their balance, I suppose, but it's fun to see the girls do something well the first time out! What a proud Mom I am! I tell Carolyn to stay by the edge of the rink while I get Grace. I go outside and have to take my jacket off because it's blazing hot. I find Grace sitting by the van and I coax her inside, telling her that she can just watch if she wants to, knowing full well that she'll eventually want to skate, within about 5 minutes. But I don't say that to her. Hee hee. Wouldn't ya know, once she gets her skates on and her jacket on and is watching Meghan and Emily and everyone else have fun, she takes off on the ice and SKATES! Carolyn hangs on to the side of the rink and shuffles. At one point she has to let go to get around a small crowd. She shuffle-skates to the other side of the crowd and back to the wall. The Zamboni smooths the ice at "half-time". **

Okay - back to past-tense.

Emily had her Gifted Screening at school the other day. The Gifted Teacher called me and told me that she did VERY well, and a time will be set up to have her Gifted Tested.

During our very small Superbowl party, Carolyn pulled out her loose tooth. Top front. Now she's REALLY cute when she smiles!

We (meaning Bob and I) are doing a little workshop at the Clubhouse this Sunday on Alternative Healing Modalities, focusing on Energy Medicine. About 20 people will be there. I'm psyched!

Desmond Tutu

2006-01-20T12:08:00.000-08:00

The speech was at the Sun Dome at USF last night.

On the way to work this morning, I heard part of the speech on NPR. It moved me to tears. This man is awesome! I looked for the excerpt that I heard on WUSF's website. You can find it here.
I strongly suggest that you listen to the audio rather than read the article. Desmond Tutu's voice cannot be matched by mere words.

You can listen to the whole speech here.

Seven Times Seven

2005-12-28T07:47:00.000-08:00

Wow. I've been tagged. Thanks to Chris, I now have to do my very first meme.

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:

Have grandchildren and great-grandchildren
Travel to distant lands -- Peru, Japan, China, Tibet...
Get a Massage Therapist License
Own my own business
Get a pedicure
Have my yard landscaped
Win the lottery

Seven Things I Cannot Do:

Build an engine
Fly a plane
Lie without feeling guilty
Dance in front of my kids ("Mom, STOP!! You're embarrasing me!")
Abide intolerance
A cartwheel
Wiggle my ears

Seven Things That Attract Me To Blogging:

Reading other people's points of view
Communication
Suspense (oooo! what's next?)
Trying my hand at writing - ahahahahahaha!
Something to do on the internet
I can play antagonist
Nothing else to do

Seven Things I Say Most Often:

God dammit!
Clean your rooms!
Bed time!
I love you!
You da Man!
I give up.
Just a minute!

Seven Books That I Love:

Lord of the Rings Trilogy, J.R.R. Tolkien
The Crystal Cave, Mary Stewart
Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox
Anatomy of the Spirit, Caroline Myss, PhD.
Everything by Stephen King
Harry Potter Collection, J.K. Rowling

Seven Movies That I Watch Over and Over Again:

"Harry Potter" -- all of 'em
"Lord of the Rings" -- all of 'em
"The Last Samurai"
"Steel Magnolias"
"Forrest Gump"
"Amadeus"
"The Incredibles"

This list could go on, because the kids and I like the computer animated movies....

Seven People I Want To Join In Too:

Sorry, Chris, I had to borrow some of your blog buddies - the unfortunate thing is that they probably won't know they've been tagged, unless you tell them! :)

Ho Ho Ho

2005-12-17T13:06:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from Little Africa! Okay, well, from Busch Gardens! I hope everyone up there in snowland is happy with the snow, because you can KEEP IT! We like not having to bundle up with extra clothing, and we like not having astronomical heating bills, and we like decorating palm trees! Currier and Ives pictures suit us just fine!

We may even prefer a day at the beach! But... While you Northerners may think it's great swimming weather, we, who have acclimated to this sub-tropical climate, think those who go swimming at this time of year are NUTS! We were actually thinking of buying a "winter home" farther south, and using this one as our summer residence!

Carolyn Playing in our "snow".

Fort DeSoto County park was nice. When Dad comes again (hee hee), we really need to show him Lido Beach in Sarasota. Each beach is so different from the other, that seeing just one doesn't give a person the whole picture.

'Tis the Season!

2005-12-16T10:54:00.000-08:00

It's been more than two weeks since Dad left, and we all miss him. It was great having him here and I hope he comes again!

One morning I brought Dad to work with me when he was here. I don't know which was more important; showing Dad off to the people I work with, or showing my work off to Dad. I thought about something a week ago, though, which led me to have a very strange sensation -- love, I think it's called.

I was thinking about one point during Dad's work-visit (he and my boss and her "cohort" were having a nice little chat about Fairs and Festivals and Bobby Vinton) and that finally, after so many years, I had brought my "origin" together with my life at this moment in time. It was like a meeting of two lives. I thought about my childhood and my dad's involvement in it, and how sweet it felt to have my dad involved in my adult life. I then felt the love; the love a little girl feels toward her father. I felt it again, and it was good.

***

I'm tired. There are too many things going on, as usual, at this time of year. Today's the last day of school before Winter Break. No more parties at school, exams, projects, concerts, deadlines, etc. Now all I have to do is finish shopping. Luckily I've done most of it already, but I still have to use the money that Mom and Dad sent to buy the kids stuff. Then do Christmas, itself. I try not to get too stressed out, though. Things will go the way they go, no matter how hard I try planning. I decided a long time ago that I will not waste energy trying to make things "just so". It's an illusion that's elusive, and I don't need to expend any energy on the unattainable.

I'm also tired of opinions. People are the most opinionated people on this earth! People don't want to budge with their opinions, either. I was happy and content doing the deed and practicing humility, but then I had to be nosy and take a peek into the debating society. Now I'm angry and bitter and ultra-sensitive. I'm going back to minding my own business. I can't change other people's minds. I'm better at demonstration. I'd rather show people instead of telling them what's wrong with their thinking (news flash: the only thing that does is get their dander up and they listen less -- you know; get defensive???).

***

If it's okay with Dad, I'll post some of the pics he took when he was here, on this here blog in the next few days. When I get a chance. When I have access to my computer. When the girls are asleep.

Get Yer Tickets!

2005-11-21T06:07:00.000-08:00

Concert and Gate tickets went on sale this morning at 8:00 am at the Florida Strawberry Festival
Dad seems to be having a good time while he's here.

We're getting ready for Thanksgiving -- I'll be cooking for us, Craigie, Grandpa, Uncle Jack and Aunt Karen -- weee!

Busy Busy!

2005-11-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

Things are picking up at work, starting with the piggies coming to the grounds last week to get tagged, weighed and registered. They were really cute but I'm sure they'll be much bigger by Festival time! This past Monday was Junior Royalty registration. Lots of girls and their mothers signing up for that (the mothers weren't signing up, just the girls). Tonight is the Volunteer appreciation party. I've been instrumental in upgrading computer software, and I'm a little nervous, because we're going "live" in the next week or so. Nervous and excited. Whee!

I've gotten too p.o.'ed with the Politics crap so I'm not gonna talk about that. Let the other bloggers concentrate on that - they're doing a great job!

Grace made it into All-State Chorus again! YAY! Most of her friends did again this year, except for B., which I felt sad for. The other girlfriends are lavishing her with cards, flowers and chocolate today, I guess to cheer her up. It turns out that this year Grace is in Mixed Chorus, which consists of girls and boys, SATB, as opposed to being in Treble Chorus last year, which consisted of just girls, S1S2A. Grace has All-County Chorus rehearsal after school tonight, and Bob has to pick her up before he goes to his meeting. I'm working late because of the party. We are really busy!

Meghan went to a skating party for the honor roll students last night and had fun skating with her Middle School friends.

These kids are blossoming! Carolyn went to her first Birthday Party of a Classmate last week. All by herself without Emily! Emily and Carolyn are soooo tight - Emily is the one who cried when Carolyn went to the party!

My Meggie Moodle

2005-10-27T11:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, the Middle School Music Teacher, Mrs. N., asked Grace, "Have you been teaching your sister how to sing her vowels? She sings really well."

Grace told Mrs. N. no, she hasn't been teaching Meghan, but when Meghan is on the computer, Grace has heard her singing.

Mrs. N. also saw Meghan in the hall and asked her if she will be joining Chorus in the second half of the year because she sings really well.

Way to go, Meggie!

In the first half of 6th Grade, the school has what is called the "Wheel". For nine consecutive (school) days, a student will attend an elective, such as Computers, Chorus, Technology or Band, etc.. After the ninth day, the student goes on to the next assigned elective for the next nine consecutive days, and so on, until the end of the first half of the year. PE is included in these classes, but the student has to take it 4 "times", as opposed to, say, 1 time for Orchestra.

I wasn't sure Meghan was interested in Chorus, and I thought she might be interested in something else besides Chorus, like Computers or something. I suggested that she check everything out first before making a decision on what class to pick for the second half of the year. I told her that the most important thing is to pick something that she really enjoys or has a great interest in, not what I would like to see her doing.

As the time approached for her to be in Chorus, she told me, "You know I live for Music! You gave me the karaoke machine, and I sing all the time, and Daddy gave me the guitar and I play that and I listen to my cd's a lot. I really want to take Chorus!"

I told her that was fine.

During the nine days she auditioned to be in a little ensemble. She was accepted.

Two down, two to go. Hee hee.

Actually, I didn't want to push her with the music stuff. I wanted to see if she would be interested in something else.

Mrs. N. is a great voice teacher. Meghan's singing voice has changed a LOT in the last 11 days. Amazing. Simply amazing.

I'm living vicariously through my children. *Sigh*

The Rolling Stones

2005-10-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

I think I'm tired, now. Bob and I have made two trips to South Florida in the last week-and-a-half. It's a 4 to 4 1/2 hour trip one way. So, counting all the hours driving, and then all the hours "playing", adds up to one tired chick. Or hen.

One weekend we're in Ft. Lauderdale, and 9 days after that we're in Miami. Craigie babysat both times. The Ft. Lauderdale trip was for a "Service Quarterly"; the business end of AA. We had fun when we snuck out and toured the area.

On Monday we went to Miami to see the Rolling Stones! Now THAT was fun! The American Airlines Arena was packed with die-hard Stones fans, young and old, wearing mouth-and-tongue logo shirts. The roar of the audience was deafening, as Mick came out on stage. At 60 some-odd years old, he still has an enormous amount of energy! The band played some new songs, and some old songs, when at that point I realized just how long they've been around! I was in awe, plain and simple. Good times were had by all.

We first arrived in Miami at 4:00 pm, and needed to find a hotel room. We meandered out to South Beach and looked there for a while. Lots of Art Deco hotels and condos and sidewalk cafes and nightclubs. A little stroll to the beach that wasn't very crowded and then a walk on the streets helped us decide that we should get a hotel room near the airport. $300.00 a night for a room is a little steep for us.

I wasn't as impressed with Miami as I was with Ft Lauderdale.

I realized that evening when we were at a hotel next to the airport, that 16 years prior, almost to the day, I was having my last drink there. Nice way to celebrate! Rolling Stones! Woo-WOO! Woo-WOO! Woo-WOO! Woo-WOO!

Some Stuff

2005-10-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

Once again, Grace has passed the first leg of All-State Chorus auditions. She will receive her music in the next few days so she can practice for the second (and last) round in a month or so.

Carolyn has received Star/Citizen of the Month two months in a row and was able to make a pizza at Pizza Hut both times. The "Star" kids from each class went for lunch. Her picture was in the local rag.

Meghan just eked out a B in Gifted Math, which is more difficult than Advanced Math. It was a tough First Quarter for her -- new school, changing classes, etc. I'm sure she'll feel more comfortable and confident in the weeks to come, and grades will go up.

Emily is in Brownie Girl Scouts. She had one troop meeting so far. The troop is new and very small. I hope more girls attend eventually. Emily already said that she wasn't thrilled. I told her to give it a chance.

Poor Bob is reluctantly (HAH!) adapting to his new-found freedom - no kids to watch during the day! First time since forever! Except, of course, when I was a stay-at-home-mom.

Things are changing at the Festival and I may have a few more responsibilities assigned to me. Cool. They like me. Cool. They appreciate me. Way cool.

Bob and I went to Ft. Lauderdale over the weekend, and Craigie babysat. I haven't been there since 1989, when I was drinking. What an experience! South Florida is WAY different from West-Central. There's Mo' MONEY! Yachts and huge cruise ships and mansions and canals, more palm tress and coconut trees and yachts (oh yeah, did I mention yachts?). I did get to purge some deep-seated junk while I was there, survived, and now we're getting ready to go down to Miami early next week for the Rolling Stones concert (!!!).

Craigie is tan. :) He also did well babysitting. He laid down the law and everything. The house was CLEAN when we got home!

Grandpa's coming!!!!!!! All the girls are excited! And Bob, too!

Experimenting

2005-10-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

New construction in our backyard - there's a pond at the bottom of the pic, which lies between my backyard and the backyards of those houses over there. I was trying to get a shot of the rainbow, which there are plenty of in Florida, especially during rainy season. Just in front of those dark clouds were blue skies.

I would LOVE to have an expensive digital camera and play with it and come up with some awesome photos, but I have kids to raise and gasoline to pay for and a job to drive to and fake food to buy and if I wanna buy real food I'll have to pay for more expensive gas to get to an out-of-the-way place to get it.

I think there may be a reason why we haven't sold the Virginia place. If a hurricane took Florida off the map, we could finish what we started doing before we moved here, and that is, become a little more self-sufficient - grow some food organically, finish getting off the power grid by going solar, raise chickens for their eggs and the occasional chicken dinner, and become a little more organic. We would still have to buy expensive gas to get to town, but maybe by then an alternate power supply will be available to move vehicles faster than a horse can pull a buggy.

And of course, this is all just a dream, because I have to WORK.

I like Florida, though. Now. I didn't used to because of the way I was living, but you can't beat the palm trees and the white sands and the turquoise water.

The kids like having neighbors to play with, too. They were pretty lonely in them thar heels.

Hey - doesn't the back of Carolyn (on the left) look like the back of Coral when she was a kid? I noticed that a few months ago when Craig was staying with us.

Meghan is a great skater!

Emily(front) Carolyn (braid ponytail) and neighbors on the first day of school. The first time ever walking to school!

I'll try some more later...

Fear, the Bogeyman

2005-09-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago I was lamenting the fact that all my pigeons had dumped me, except for L. in prison because she doesn't have much of a choice, and that I had better start trolling for more if I want to stay well. Mind you, their dumping me wasn't personal and I didn't take it that way; they either drank or thought they could stay sober on their own. Not everything is about me. (Smirk)

Interestingly enough, just days after my whine, I was asked by S. if I would be her sponsor. I jumped at the chance, of course, and it's been a daily grind ever since. This person has consistently failed at life skills of the relationship variety since childhood, because she was emotionally damaged at a very young age. She's insecure, reactionary, physically abusive and she lacks trust, but at two years sober she has learned to be trustWORTHY and helpful. That's a start, anyway. She calls me once, sometimes twice, everyday like she's supposed to, and she's working on and getting better (slowly) at calling me BEFORE she reacts negatively to her SO. It's almost like a newcomer who still obsesses over a drink - call someone BEFORE you pick up.

I have to micro-manage her emotional life. She needs that much help. I am loving every minute of it...well, ALMOST every minute of it. It constantly reminds me of how I was, what seems like, a lifetime ago.

I was shy, pouty, miserable as a kid, afraid of my shadow and afraid of being abandoned by my family. I felt inferior to my older brother, jealous of my sister, but felt pure love toward my younger brother. [Fascinating. I never really thought of that until now. The loving my little brother-part. I'll have to look into that. My first response is that he didn't pose as a threat of some kind, was just a loving kid].

I understand that, as a child, one places an overwhelming amount of dependence upon family members for the child's very survival, but at some point you would think that that same child would grow up and start to rely on him/herself, rather than cling to the notion that other humans are his/her life and breath.

I missed that part.

I was so full of fear. Afraid of abandonment, afraid of being alone, afraid of not being loved, afraid of dying, afraid of failing, afraid of being misunderstood, afraid of not being respected, afraid of not being noticed, afraid of being taken advantage of, afraid of betrayal...YOU get the picture.

The funny thing about that is that I didn't know that I was THAT fearful. I didn't know that my actions were the result of my fears. I was afraid of betrayal, so I betrayed. I was afraid of failing so I didn't try. I was afraid of not being respected so I was arrogant. I was afraid of being alone so I tolerated abusive relationships.

I was a selfish, self-centered person placing far too much dependence upon other people and their actions to dictate how I was going to feel. The insanity didn't stop there. I then BLAMED those other people for my misfortunes. What an existence! What misery! The thought never crossed my mind that humans are fallible; that placing them in such a high position and EXPECTING them to "fill me up" is doomed to fail.

Carl Jung once told a drunk that he needed a psychic change, or vital spiritual experience in order to recover, and added that the phenomenon is a "huge emotional displacement and rearrangement". Another way to think of this change or experience is; a profound alteration in one's reaction to life.

I've had such experiences. And they really are profound, because there are no words to describe just HOW the change took place. Practice, I suppose, and gradually, over a period of time, the changes manifested.

Working with S. paradoxically helps me stay well. In her I see where I once was and where I could be again if I don't continue self-appraisals. Working with her keeps me vigilant. I hope I can help her get well, but that can't be the most important thing for me, because of EGO. I'm just a channel. All I can do is show her what I learned, and the results are up to her. SHE has to do the work.

They're At It Again

2005-09-19T09:45:00.000-07:00

This morning I arrived at work and the "religious" lady handed me a few papers for me to read.
They consisted of a letter from a County Commissioner to the lady's church Pastor and two copies of a ballot to fill out and sign.

The letter complains about the Board being under attack by media and other groups seeking to promote a radical gay and lesbian agenda, after the Board approved a policy to abstain from acknowledging, promoting and participationg in Gay Pride recognitions and events. It goes on to say that these groups are working to change Florida's Adoption Laws so that it would be easier for gay couples to adopt children, and of course, this guy is against it.

What disturbs me the most about this letter, though, is the way in which Michael Swift was quoted. I knew nothing of Michael Smith, I knew nothing of what he wrote, but reading what the Commissioner quoted him as writing didn't sit right with me, so I did a little research.

This is how the Commissioner quoted him:

"...We shall sodomize your sons... Your sons shall become our minions and do our bidding. They will be recast in our image. They will come to crave and adore us... All laws banning homosexual activity will be revoked. Instead, legislation shall be passed which engenders love between men... The family unit-spawning ground of lies, betrayals, mediocrity, hypocrisy and violence--will be abolished. The family unit, which only dampens imagination and curbs free will, must be eliminated... All churches who condemn us will be closed. Our only gods are handsome young men..." - Gay Community News, 1987

This is what Michael Swift really wrote - the message being a far cry from what this Commissioner intended to convey.

I wonder if "religious" lady's Pastor did the same research (NOT!).

Makes me sick. Bleah.

So, the ballot is for the Florida Marriage Protection Amendment - Ballot Summary: "...Protects marriage as the legal union of only one man and one woman as husband and wife and provides that no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the subastntial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized."

There's even a website for this - florida4marriage.org

Hate mongers. Just another example of why religion and politics don't mix.

I told "religious" lady (after an all-morning deliberation on whether I should confront her or not) that the guy lied just to get the congregations riled up and vote. She didn't get it. I figured as much.

I Could Strangle My Sister

2005-08-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

So, I gave in to my sister's insistence that I read Harry Potter. Grace and Meghan joined in the fray, so I reluctantly started with the first book. That was a little over a week ago. I just finished the fourth book. I am hopelessly hooked! I've been dreaming of Hogwarts! Sheesh!

I am interested, though, especially after the fourth book, to know how children react to the scariness. Because it's getting pretty scary. Do kids have nightmares?

Lord of the Rings was pretty scary, too, but I don't think kids read those books until they're almost in High School.

Just wondering...

Anyway... thanks A LOT, Coral! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT! Mnthwaahh!

School

2005-08-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a lot of anxiety lately, and I can't pinpoint the exact cause. I have a suspicion, though, that it could be due to the fact that August 4th is the start of the new school year. It's now August 1st.

Not only is the first day of school in just 3 days, it is the first day of school for my baby, Carolyn. She's the last one. On August 4th, I will have seen my 4th and last child off to the great unknown, named Kindergarten. I think I may cry.

Not only is it the first day of school for Carolyn, it is the first day of school for Carolyn and Emily at their brand-new school that isn't even finished being built. They'll be in portables all around the construction site. The cafeteria is supposedly completed, but that doesn't diminish my fear of the confusion that most certainly will be felt, especially on the first day.

Not only is it the first day at Carolyn's and Emily's brand-new school, it is the first day of MIDDLE school for Meghan. Of all my children, I think Meghan is the most nervous. She's nervous about not remembering when she has to go to what class, and she's nervous about not being able to open her locker with a combination lock, and she's nervous about not getting on the right bus after school so she can make it safely home. She does have one thing working in her favor, though, and that's her big sister, Grace. No matter how much they're at each other's throats, I know Grace will be there to help Meghan if she needs it.

Between now and the first day of school is "Open House", which I won't be able to attend because I work, so Daddy will be taking over that task. I don't know if I like the idea of letting go of so much "control".

I know my thinking is insane. I used to be the one to do all of the school things, and all of the sick-kid things, and while I was doing it all, I would wish that Bob would help out, and be a "part of." Now that he is doing a LOT of it, I want it back. Sometimes. On the one hand I feel a sense of relief that I don't have to stress over losing time from work to do it all, or juggling time to get the kids somewhere, but on the other hand I miss being that much more involved in my kids' lives. Sometimes parenting just s-u-c-k-s in this day and age.

I might just take an hour or two off in the morning of the 4th, just so I can say good-bye to the little one. And cry.

"House of Flying Daggers"

2005-07-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a movie! I thought it was directed by the same guy that directed "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", because the cinematography is very similar, but after a little research I found out that Ang Lee directed CTHD, and Zhang Yimou directed HFD. Ziyi Zhang played the female lead role in both movies. A hunky Taiwanese/Japanese actor named Takeshi Kaneshiro played the leading male role.

I loved the costumes, the soundtrack, the cinematography, the story was not bad -- intrigue/romance -- the end made me cry, which doesn't happen too often in "martial arts" movies. This is not a hard-core martial arts movie, either -- not like the old days. The actors "fly", and "run" through the tops of bamboo trees -- a nice graceful way to fight (hee hee).

A must-see movie.

Brain Overload

2005-07-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I'm not cut out for the debating society. I have definite opinions, but I find I'm too scared to voice them for fear of having to back them up with "facts" to prove my point. I am not a "citer". I am not capable of having an ongoing discussion with someone who has an opposing view. I tend to back down and clam up. It's all fear. I know that. I'm afraid of being ostracized and ridiculed.

I've gotten caught up in all the hullabaloo on the political front, and I've been reading too many "science" blogs. The psychiatric professionals have gotten my dander up. There's too much CRAP reeling in my head, and I wonder to myself if I can unload it all here.

Where to start...?

...?

...?

I'm finding that there are no clear definitions of "Democrat" or "Republican", or "Liberal" or "Conservative". They can't be pigeon-holed. There are so many shades of gray. When I think I have come to some conclusion, say, of what it means to be a "Liberal", someone says or writes something that blows my definition right out of the water.

For the most part, I'm guessing that the majority of this country could not give a definite picture of why they consider themselves to be [fill in the blank], so I shouldn't feel alone in this respect.

From what I can gather, being a Liberal is different from being a Democrat. What constitutes the difference between the two? Is a Liberal farther Left on the spectrum? If that's the case, why would the far Left be considered Liberal? Aren't extreme left-wingers more emphatic in their beliefs? Less tolerant? Isn't a definition of Liberal "tolerant of change, not bound by authoritarianism, orthodoxy, or tradition"?

I guess it's the Left that's bothering me, because I consider myself Left-leaning. I probably just want to know where I stand in all of this. I don't think it has as much to do with politics as it does with philosophy. Republicans just annoy the shit out of me. I can't seem to wrap my brain around their reasoning.

I've seen some science bloggers close their minds - SNAP! - like steel traps to the notion of Quantum Physics/Mechanics. Why is that? If they call themselves scientists, why aren't they open to the possibility? What is science? Isn't it "exploration", in a nutshell? If you want to add in the word "physical" -- aren't subatomic particles part of the physical universe? Have scientists come to the conclusion that reality is only this 3-dimensional plane, and the only thing that's real is what we humans can sense with the five sensory organs?

I'm sure that people will back their arguments up to chastise me with some science publication or other, but that would mean nothing to me. That's like the medical community saying one day that eggs are bad for you, only to turn around 10 years later and say they're not bad for you. Why does the common man/woman have to believe what we're told by the scientific community? We didn't "see" their results first hand. Why would one scientist be deemed worthy and another a quack? Who's to say? Who's the authority? A bunch of scientists on a panel whom undoubtedly have an agenda?

Which brings me to medicine. Christ. Where do I start? Same goes here. I look and listen to Everyman and Everywoman and this is what I hear: "Got something that ails ya? Take THIS!" We've become a pill society. The doctor-gods have taken over. Our illnesses own us. We are identified by our illness, me included. How many times have I heard someone talk about whatever ails them as "MY this" and MY that"? Then they back it up with whatever various and sundry medications they're taking as "MY this" and "MY that". Where's the HEALING??

But woe to the person who branches out to "Alternative" medicine, because the pills have too many contra-indications. "Chiropractic hasn't been PROVEN." "Homeopathic medicine is LAUGHABLE." "Herbal medicine isn't controlled by the FDA so it could be DANGEROUS."
How many dangerous drugs has the FDA approved? And taken back off the shelf?

Hmmm... Chiropractic hasn't been DISproven, either - neither has Homeopathic medicine, herbal medicine, or ENERGY medicine, for that matter. THIS chick has seen the benefits of all of those, but didn't publish a paper, therefore it's quackery, right?

Example: You feel an ear infection coming on. Which would you do - a.) run to the doctor and get a prescription of antibiotics, or b.) run to the Chiropractor (I'll give you MY answer later...).

I have my very own opinions when it comes to psychiatric medicine and mental illness, which I will not go into great detail at this time. Suffice it to say that masking symptoms with medications is NOT healing.

You can look at me askance, and think what you may, but to me, the picture is not complete without some metaphysical point of view. I'm not talking about religion. Religion is way too limiting. The right-wing christian fundamentalists drive me absolutely nuts. I'm sure any other fundamentalist religion would do the same, if I was within close proximity of some of the members. I am NOT for separatism, or "OUR way is THE way" or a set of rules or doctrine. But I DO seek. I DO not let society dictate what I will believe. I AM open to possibilities.

"Terrorists"?

2005-06-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

Hey - I got a question - were there "terrorists" in Iraq blowing up the place before "Shock and Awe"? I don't remember, but I don't know if I heard anything about that before we invaded.

I just heard Bushy-boy say that the American troops need to stay in Iraq until the Iraqis learn how to defeat the "terrorists" (I'm assuming he means "insurgents"), or some such nonsense like that.

Someone enlighten me, please...

Satan

2005-06-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

Being in the Deep South, my place of employment starts each day with a "morning devotion". I am not a Southern Baptist, so I, for the most part, sit quietly and let them "do their thing". What irks me most is the terminology that befuddles the spiritual teaching underneath it, but Friday I used the terminology to my own advantage. (Smirk).

E. read the following from the little pamphlet she uses ("The Daily Word?"- don't know):

"Satan's schemes always begin with a lie, a false lead, a subtle twist to the truth, which if acted on will tear us away from God. His proposals rarely seem evil, because our minds are repelled by obvious evil. More often they come disguised as good. Satan adds a trace of grace and beauty to every lure, lest we recognize its deadly nature. It is easy to be taken in..."

I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that sounds just like the current White House Administration..."

Disillusionment

2005-06-16T07:08:00.000-07:00

I was never a great History student. Admittedly, my brain turned off when my teachers were up in front of the class, dictating the lessons each day, especially when the subject was American History in the 20th Century.

Looking back, though, the underlying theme throughout my education in this regard was that the US and its citizens always fought for the "right" ideals, and that this country really never made any mistakes; it always stood up for the common good, was a free country, the best country, blah blah blah.

In my early adult years I was never interested in politics, or the news; therefore I took it for granted that this country was pretty much infallible. I still don't know a whole lot today, but I've finally taken some time out to study some history. It's still confusing to me, and I still have a tendency to have "brain turn-off" when information gets too thick.

That being said, I find myself a little perturbed and disconcerted that my early education was based on propaganda - chest-pounding, brainwashing propaganda. I feel slighted. I was made to believe that the Indians were savages, that the massacres were the "right" thing to do. I was made to believe that this country was founded on the basic principle that all "humans" are created equal, only to find out that what they really meant was that all white anglo-saxon protestant men were created equal, and that everyone else was below human status. I was made to believe that America was the "Melting Pot" (or salad bowl, or whatever) and that we welcome immigrants, only to find out that each nationality or race was met with disdain or mistrust when they arrived. The list could go on.

My wake up call was when Grace was in 4th or 5th grade. She was having trouble with her History homework and asked me for help. I read the chapter that she was working from and became very surprised and angry. This was a history book from a Virginia public school, and, if I remember correctly, the subject was the period of time when West Virginia "seceded" from Virginia. Slavery/Economics. This book played down the atrocities of slavery and made excuses for the South's behavior. Facts were incorrect. I started yelling, saying that this textbook was wrong, and asking Grace what the hell they're teaching her at that school. Poor Grace.

Now, I've known some Northerners that were every bit as racist as the most racist of Southerners, and I've recently discovered that the Northern states weren't as lily-white as I had been taught with regard to that period in history, but I thought that, since the Boomers were in office, today's children would be taught more of the truth.

Take, for example, "Reefer Madness". This propaganda was not created to alert the public of the dangers of Marijuana. It was created to deport a few Mexicans from the Four-Corners states and Texas. Another example - Marijuana has been called the "Gateway" drug so that it can remain illegal. Studies show, though, (snicker... "studies show!") that LEGAL substances i.e. alcohol and Pharmaceutical drugs are more likely to lead people down the path of addiction than Marijuana.

Why does everything have to be about fear and money and power? I have found during my wake-up call that these are the motives that drive the "Servants" (Politicians are supposed to "serve" their constituents, right???), rather than having a sense of community and people helping people.

Am I too naive? Too idealistic? What's wrong with the truth? Huh? Huh?

June Already

2005-06-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

Ack, where does the time go?

I've been thinking about "the good old days", when I was single and drunk. Single in the sense that I wasn't married, and drunk in the sense that I was drunk.

Those were the days, though, when I thought I had all the answers. I was unhappy, deliriously so, and drinking was the only way I knew how to dispel fear and self-loathing. Once the alcohol was in my bloodstream, I felt the release of the day's worries, and a new power was bestowed upon me. My, my, I wasn't fearful then -- I was actually quite the prize! Intelligent, hard-working, not bad to look at, a great dancer; the list could go on, ad nauseum.

The problem was that I knew I was an alcoholic, I knew that I couldn't stop drinking for good, but I didn't know quite how to change the situation. I remember thinking that it was all a matter of control. Self-control. Willpower. Outer circumstances. "If only my life would be better - if I had a better job, or better boyfriend du jour, or better house to live in, I could tackle this thing!" "Nobody understands me, It's me against the world! Oooooohhhhhh, me!"

There was NO WAY I was gonna go to AA. They're a cult. They talk about this GOD shit and it made me want to puke. "I'll try a psychiatrist," said I, hoping against hope that he could make me happy enough to be able to drink with impunity.

So I went. Two sessions later I "fired" him, because he insinuated that I may have a drinking problem and that maybe I ought to address that first before tackling the emotional stuff. What did he know, anyway? He was just a shrink, after all. Besides, he was pretty scary looking, and I didn't think I would be able to open up to him. So I went to a woman shrink next. She was great. She was more comfortable. She had a Betta. I was able to dump some stuff, and she, for all intents and purposes, pat me on the back with the "There, there" kind of attitude. What stroking! Wow! But... I had to "fire" her, too, because she wanted me to join in on this "woman's circle" of sorts - group therapy, I guess - and there was NO WAY I was going to share with a bunch of WOMEN! Women were the enemy!

Shit.

I was feeling the negative effects of alcohol very acutely by this time, and I was getting pretty desperate.

*Sigh* I decided to just check things out at AA, to see what they were up to. Nothing else was working - even though I got to dump some stuff, I was still miserable, and I wasn't controlling my drinking. The one thing that I clamped my mind shut against, that I vehemently opposed, was the one thing that I was checking out because I was desperate. Nothing else worked.

That one thing that I vehemently opposed, the thing that I had no clue about, was the very thing that saved my ever-loving ASS.

I am not so quick to say that something won't work before trying it, nowadays. I've found in the past that the opinions that I grew up with, or the opinions that I had formed as a result of my childhood may be very limited, and that there's a whole world out there to explore and to expand my limited view. I just have to remain teachable.

Wow, What a Trip

2005-05-06T05:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back! I've returned from a stroll down Abuse Street and Manipulation Avenue! I'm just hoping that in the future I can recognize that neighborhood and avoid it altogether.

It was a great lesson. For the last few days there was excruciating emotional pain, and then amazing clarity. And release. Wow.

I was all caught up in the fact that sponsor-lady had Bill W. as a grand sponsor. I gave her some latitude with respect to the way she talked to me and about my husband. But my INSTINCTS were screaming at me.

I'm all for listing and analyzing my resentments. I'm all for examining motives. I look forward to listing fears and how they affect the decisions I make. I even understand that all these things can be buried deep within the psyche and can appear distorted on the surface.

I also know how to sponsor others. It is NOT by calling the sponsee's significant other names, or voicing your displeasure with him/her. It is NOT by assuming that the sponsee wants to get out of the marriage, or stay in it, for that matter. It is NOT by brow-beating the sponsee into submissiveness, or by manipulating the sponsee.

Simply put, the woman did not have what I wanted, and it took a meltdown to see it. It also took a meltdown to get up the courage to confront her (remember - fear of confrontation?).

I calmly told her how I felt. How I was angry and thought it was inappropriate the way she talked about my husband (she apologized for that). I thanked her for helping me face this fear of confrontation. I told her that her "North vs South" tirade had me flabbergasted. What made me the most angry, I told her, was when she lambasted my vision of my truth or existence today.

She was manipulative to the very end. Her response was that she needed to end the conversation because she was flabbergasted with the way I had just spoken to her. No one - no other sponsee had ever spoken to her like I just did. Hmmm...

Ego, baby, ego.

I have to thank her, though, because, while she vehemently disagrees with me, I have realized what I am today. I know what gives me the giggles and makes me happiest today. I understand that our truths change as life experiences change, but TODAY I am:

A Wife and Mother - family is THE MOST important thing in my life today. Emotional growth in the family unit, a sense of belonging and security.

A Sponsor - I visited with one of my sponsees the other night and left there so overjoyed for being able to witness and be a part of her growth over the past year. The difference between a year ago and now is astounding! I now know that my job today is to be a channel. What a humbling experience!.. Paradoxically, with humility comes freedom!

A Healer - although novice at best, this is where, ultimately, I believe my path will lead. I'm an empath. My truth is seeing spiritual and emotional healing take place first, so that everything else will adjust accordingly.

So there.

This is my epiphany for the month. Weee!

Must've Been a Full Moon

2005-04-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

I HATE to sound like a victim, but oh, man, they were coming out of the woodwork over the past few weeks!

I got me a new...(shhh!) Sponsor. Her Grandsponsor was Bill W., the co-founder of... (shhh!) AA, which I think is way cool. I even got a plant that originated from Lois W. (wife of Bill).

She's a tough one. In order to get to know me, she's having me bring up old sh*t that I thought that I had gotten past. She's telling me stuff like I am not expressing myself well and it's like she has to pull the stuff out of me. She's told me (once) that I committed a "sin of omission" in order to alleviate the consequences of my "wrongdoing", or to try to place blame on someone else. But she's also said that I sell myself short, and that I need to remove the word blame and fault from my vocabulary. I don't like her, I'm finding. She bites me in the ass. She's truthful, blunt, and a no-nonsense kind of woman. I realize I need more work, which I don't like to hear at this point. I thought my insanity had been eradicated. She's very effective.

Although this woman is probably exactly what I need at this time, something that she exclaimed in our last session really bothers me, and I hope this doesn't get in the way of our working together.

What I perceived as a confrontation from her occurred at the end of a very confrontational week. I may have been feeling ultra sensitive, or this may have been the "straw that broke the camel's back". Nevertheless, my reaction was pretty much along the lines of,"WTF??? What is going on with people lately?? Are the crazies coming out of the closet???"

It started off with the neighbor lady bearing down on me and maligning my family because her kid hurt my kid. Did you hear that? HER kid hurt MY kid. And that means "the Kelleys" are scum. Imagine that.

Come to think of it, that was the second thing that happened. That morning was my first sit-down with my new sponsor, and I left there feeling distraught, feeling that I had just been ripped out of a cocoon. I was thinking that she didn't understand what I was there for and was assuming things about my life that were way off the mark. Of course she made some very valid points, but I was only concentrating on the "bad" stuff that she said - the stuff I didn't agree with.

So, going through the week, feeling maligned and misunderstood, I go back for another session with the sponsor. We were talking about starting new meetings (because I did in Virginia) and all of a sudden she said "Ya know, there's a saying we Southerners use - 'We don't give a damn how y'all do it up North!'" Then she went on a tirade about how all Northerners are the most arrogant people she's ever seen, especially the ones from NYC, and that they come down here and try to change things to "their way". My mouth dropped, I tried to say that Northerners are not arrogant, but she wouldn't have it. I THOUGHT..."SOUTHERNERS smile to your face while they stab you in the back!" but I didn't say it. I didn't say it. I didn't want to play.

I really don't get it. Well, yeah, I DO get it. No matter what the rules and regs are of an organization, if a Northerner tries to follow them in the South, they're a "Damn Yankee trying to change things".

In this case, again, as usual, it was not North vs South, it was AA PROGRAM VS AA FELLOWSHIP. It has nothing to do with North vs South, but some people want to see it as such. What these people don't get is, us Nawthunuhs do it up Nawth, too. There's Fellowship, diluted AA up Nawth, too. Sheesh.

I guess this goes back approximately 150 years...

So, I'm ready for a rest. I want to go back into my cocoon. It was so peaceful there.

No, really, I'm just taking this as a sign that I need to practice my confrontation skills. Stand up for myself and my family. Stop being a chicken. "Buck-buck-buck-buKAW!!!"

Well?????

2005-04-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

So, How the heck does one add pics on this blasted blog???

Alone

2005-04-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

Craigie's gone, probably on the plane heading home, Gracie's gone to Orlando for her Chorus trip, Bob and the other girls aren't back yet from taking Craig to the airport -- I'm ALONE!!!! Wow!

The week was jam-packed - Saturday; Busch Gardens with Charlene & Company and my brood. Long, tiring day. Craig didn't go with us, but I think that's a good thing. Although.... he was upset that we saw some meercats and he didn't...

Sunday was the Beach on Lido Key off Sarasota. Craigie really enjoyed that! We drove home up the Longboat Key and onto Anna Maria Island. Craig liked Anna Maria Island the best because it was a more "rustic", "beachy" look. We stopped for ice cream.

The girls and I went to school and work while Craig, Bob and Carolyn hung out during the days.

I'm attempting to put some pics of the beach on here...

Bob and the girls are home, now.

I may need some help! (with the pics, that is)

Thanks to Grace

2005-03-29T07:49:00.000-08:00

After much cajoling and whining by Grace, I gave her permission to install the webcam that we bought several years ago. She immediately went on Yahoo! IM and chatted with her buddy from up the street, who also has a webcam. Both of their pictures were on the screen and Grace was excited. Then her friend started voice-chatting. I decided to look for the old headset we used to use (thanks, Craig), found it within a few moments, and hooked it up to the computer. Now we have a video-phone!!!

So, if anyone uses Yahoo! IM, let me know -

Craigie's Coming!

2005-03-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

Life just couldn't get any better!

The Festival's over; it was a great 20-something days! I got to see Leann Rimes from the FOURTH ROW (that's called a PERK!)!

The next week we bought a 2005 Saturn Ion - great car - and it's Berry Red and it has a CD player and it travels smoothly at 80 mph! 0% Financing, too!

I have Friday off and will try to persuade Bob and the girls to change Busch Gardens Day from Thursday to Friday so I can go. I LOVE riding the Montu!

To top it all off, Craig will be arriving in Tampa on April 5! YAY! Pack your shorts, Craig, and your trunks - we're goin' to da beach! We're going to try to dispel some of the myths you've heard about Florida. Aunt Karen told me the other week that Uncle Jack wishes he had "done this" (come to Florida) ten years ago.

I just talked to the Chairman of the Entertainment Committee about next year's concerts at the Festival and asked if I could put in a request. He said, "of course", and so I suggested none other than.....(drum roll, please).....JOSH GROBAN! I told the Chairman that his genre is not Country and he replied that all the stars don't have to be Country (which I figured out this year after seeing our line-up).

Keeping my fingers crossed... (yeah, right, dream on, huh?)

Day 8

2005-03-10T15:53:00.000-08:00

What day is it? What do my husband and kids look like? What does my house look like?

Yesterday the weather was BAAD. Hopefully we won't have another day like that! Today was better - sunny, on the chilly side. Senior Day. Thursdays are Senior Days. Not many people were on the Midway at lunchtime, so I went on the Crazy Mouse. I had to ride with one of the guys who works it. Eeeewwwww. That really put a damper on my exclamations. No "WOOO HOOO!" There are a few other rides I'd like to go on - probably tomorrow. I'm working late tonight.

Bob finished staining our new kitchen island and put it in the kitchen the other day. Looks great! I got to make the kids lunches on it this morning. What a treat!

After making all kinds of money these weeks, I'll be able to buy a new car. The Escort is showing its age. We're looking at inexpensive 4-door sedans (probably compact, or a little bigger), like Hyundai or Kia or Toyota. I'd REALLY like a Nissan Altima. They're sweet. A Maxima would be even better. I also like those cars that look like a cross between a station wagon and an SUV.

This weekend will be really busy and after that I can sleep a little. Will work 9 to 3 all next week and have that next weekend off! WOW! And we can wear jeans!!!

Time to go now.

WOW! It's Packed!

2005-03-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

What a day so far! And it's only 1:00 pm! I took a walk around the grounds and there are TONS of people! I decided that I want to ride the "Crazy Mouse". The Midway is finally packed and the rides are going full-swing! I watched a little bit of a Moo show (Livestock show) and watched the piggies race again. I can see the Bikes Blades and Boards from my window - they are cool! What a place to work at!!!!

I'll keep you posted - You guys should come here sometime! This is a great Festival!

Day 2

2005-03-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

It's 10:14 pm and I'm past delirious, waiting to go home from work. The weather at the Festival turned out to be gorgeous today, as opposed to yesterday, which was cold, wet and miserable. It is very exciting!

Bob and 3 of the girls came today, to meet up with Grace after her performance (and after school, of course!). They seemed to have a good time, but were ready to go home by 8:00 pm. Grace had been here since 11:00 am or so.

The first thing Carolyn saw was the piggy races! This really is a big Fair, and it looked much better today than yesterday. Yesterday I was a little disappointed, because of the bad weather. I had anticipated a WOW first day but it didn't happen.

I'll write more later - I keep having to re-write the misspelled words!!!

Sigh - Okay, okay, Allison!

2005-02-23T18:59:00.000-08:00

You twisted my arm!

Let's just say that things have been hectic around here...

I got me a new job, with a pay increase of about 44%, doing what I like to do as far as jobs go. I have to drive to Plant City, which is about 30 miles away, or 30 minutes, cuz on the interstates around here you can travel at about 80 mph without getting pulled over, or run over, for that matter.

I now work for the Florida Strawberry Festival and I have an office and someone who works "under" me (hah!). I think my title will be "Finance Office Manager" when I pass my 90 day probation period.

The Festival runs from March 3 to March 13, so things are getting pretty hectic. The Petting Zoo people came today, and I watched a bunch of beautiful ponies be unloaded from a trailer. This Festival is pretty big, almost like a county fair.

I'll be working straight through, every SINGLE day, sometimes until 6:00 pm, sometimes until 10:30 pm, NO days off from now until March 18!

Gracie will be there on March 3, performing with her school choruses, including "Notes Alive!". Yay! I finally get to see her sing and dance! In her blue dress with sequins that we had altered! One of the songs that particular group sings is "May it Be" from "LOTR-Fellowship of the Ring" (sung by Enya) - I can't wait!

I know I'll be checking out the sights on my lunch and dinner hours, and hopefully I can go on a ride or two.

I found out that some "Stone People" will be setting up shop there, too - mwaaaah!

So, there. That's all I have, for now. No epiphanies of late. Too busy.

Oh! I DID get something GREAT from Bob for Valentine's day! He drove all the way to Sarasota to get it, too, on the sly. A Tibetan Singing Bowl! My very first! He got the biggest one there, too. I sure love the guy!!!

My Big Girl

2005-01-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

Right now Grace is on her way to Downtown Tampa and the Marriott Westshore Hotel to begin her two-day-long rehearsal for the All-State Chorus Concert on Saturday. She'll be staying with her singing buddies at that hotel for two nights, without coming home and being tucked in by Mommy. Saturday morning, the other girls and I will be watching her sing at the Marriott Waterside Hotel, which is a very tall building in the "Channelside" district -- guess what it's next to! Hmmm... The CHANNEL... that lets cruise ships dock there. It's a pretty neat place, and the Marriott is fancy-schmancy.

I won't forget to bring the camcorder - but how do I copy the tape? Any suggestions?

Prison

2004-12-09T06:46:00.000-08:00

For the last six months or so, I've been visiting the local women's prison on a weekly basis. I joined the Mentor Program there, and also helped start a weekly "you-know-what" meeting.

I was assigned to mentor "J", who, at first, seemed willing to do the work necessary to bring about that psychic change, but as a few weeks passed, I realized that it was all lip service. She always seemed to have an excuse to not attend the meetings, and I was never able to meet with her individually.

In walked "L" to her very first meeting ever in life. She wasn't sure whether she's alcoholic, but was absolutely sure that her life had become unmanageable. A few things that were discussed in that meeting piqued her interest, so she continued to attend the meetings, eventually becoming convinced that she is alcoholic.

She and I hit it off; we seemed to have a connection. One night, while we were waiting for a Corrections Officer (don't EVER call one a GUARD! God forbid!) to escort the inmates back to their dorms after the meeting, I asked L. how long she was "in" for. Five years, she said. In that nanosecond after she told me, I thought, "she must have done something REALLY bad." I had barely finished the thought when she offered up the offense. "Vehicular Manslaughter. I was under the influence." As she was telling me, I noticed that she was starting to cry, her voice cracking, her chin trembling, holding back the tears. I felt an overwhelming sense of empathy, getting a little choked up myself - I thought, "oh, the unbearable guilt! The shame! I can't even imagine!" I gave her a big hug and told her, "You're in the right place -- I mean the meeting!"
She agreed.

A month or so went by, and still no progress with J. I had to make a decision. Should I waste my time with someone who says they want help but doesn't demonstrate a willingness, or should I help someone who's willing to go to any lengths?

Because of Prison bureaucracy, I had to make another decision. Do I Mentor, or attend the meeting? I couldn't do both, given my time constraints at home, and the Prison's program hours.

-------

Last night was L's and my first "session". It went well. We just continued from where we left off in the "you-know-what" meeting. Hopefully next week she'll present to me her list of resentments and all that goes with it. We're already moving along.

-------

I had to share with her my crappy month - my crappy attitude. "Self" held me hostage. This was part of an answer to questioning the meaning of Step 3. Actually it's what Step 3 is NOT, because when at that step, we're too insane to really know what "turning it over" entails.

I had immersed myself in the "worldly clamors". I was more concerned about getting a better-paying and more satisfying job, about being appreciated for the work I accomplish at my present job, about being paid attention to by friends and family members, about wanting my family to not think I'm "nutso" because of my beliefs, and having "contempt prior to investigation" come to mind a lot, about trying to figure out what I really want to do in this life, and to be recognized and compensated handsomely for it -- in other words, I was concerned about ME STUFF. And feeling really, really sorry for myself, although I did not want to admit THAT!

On Tuesday I went to my homegroup wallowing in that attitude, and not really wanting to hear any more platitudes - "yeah, yeah, I've heard it all, I've said it all, this is just CRAP!" - until one woman reminisced about her early days, and how she's changed since then; one thing that she said hit me right between the eyes and knocked some sense into me - that when she came in she didn't know how to love. She has since learned.

The veil of self slowly lifted. I realized (and shared this, and also thanked that woman) that I have experienced both ends of the spectrum -- living life full of expectations; and living life full of humility and love and service. I thought of the unconditional love I've experienced since my children were born, and having that love spread out toward others besides my family. Giving to others happily, without EXPECTING anything in return. Being a channel rather than taking credit.

How did I lose it? Like I said - I let the "worldly clamors" become more important than taking the time to become centered and at one with All That Is. It's really easy to slide back into trying to grab from the outside instead of trying to extend from the inside.

Step 3 is making the decision. Step 11 is the actual "alignment". Something that I haven't been doing lately.

Now I know what to do...

Been a long time

2004-11-22T06:38:00.000-08:00

since I posted - it's been incredibly busy at work, as my "partner" was gone for 2 weeks on bereavement. My busting butt at work of course led into total melt-down at home and no time to post. Sounds like a good enough excuse, huh? BTW, I'm still busy playing catch-up, now, so this will be short...

ANYWAY...

Gracie Made It! She made it into All-State Chorus!! Yay!!

I guess another reason why I haven't posted is because Chris and Allie just blow me away with their literary genius, and I feel intimidated. At this point I'm limited to the superficial everyday goings-on, and can't seem to summon the poetic adjectives and phrases that yous guys, or y'all do.

Maybe I'll write my "thesis" on FEAR, because I have a very personal and intimate relationship with it.

Told ya this was gonna be short - gotta go now - the bosses keep passing by my desk....

Disbelief

2004-11-03T05:40:00.000-08:00

I'm in awe, but not the good kind. I'm Flabbergasted. The people of this country never cease to amaze me. I cannot imagine what goes through these peoples' minds, if anything! What the hell are they thinking?

After everything that he's done to this country, and after everything that he's failed to do, the majority is STILL for this yay-hoo!

The thought has already crossed my mind to try to get him impeached, but that wouldn't be any good, because then CHENEY would become president, and I think that would be even worse. At least Dubya's idiocy buffers Cheney's evil tactics a little. Not much, but a little.

This is just too... distressing? disheartening? dis...what???

Update on the Girlies

2004-10-22T06:31:00.000-07:00

I absolutely adore my girls. I had never experienced unconditional love until I gave birth to them, and watched them grow. It's overwhelming. And it's a great avenue toward understanding true humility. I am sooo glad for the experience.

Grace finally coughed up information on the All-State audition. She passed! She scored an 88% on the written test, and sight-read 14 (I think) measures out of 24 correctly. The minimum number of measures one had to read correctly was 8. But there's yet another audition!

The kids who are to go on to the next level were given their music on Wednesday, and a CD on Thursday. If I remember correctly, there are about 8 pieces, varied genres, for them to learn by November 8. The CD is very helpful. It gives the pronunciation of Italian and Latin lyrics, and then plays the pieces with a woman singing just one part. On Grace's, she sings the Soprano II part. Now, time for practice! In the audition, three kids in a group; Soprano I, Soprano II and Alto; will sing in front of judges. That can get tricky, especially if one doesn't know his/her part well. Cross your fingers!

Meghan has been moved to the on-camera Weather person. The teleprompter kid didn't want to do the weather from day-one, so Meghan started off talking from behind the camera, then everyone decided to have her in front of it. She's a little disappointed that she hasn't been on the camera crew, but she enjoys doing the weather. She has to come up with her own lines. Meghan was just accepted into the Gifted Program, so, I'm sure there will be news about those activities soon. She is very inquisitive, especially about science-related things. I guess she'll be asking DADDY questions a lot, because I'll hardly ever have any answers for her!!!

Emily is excelling in school, too! She's also in The Colts Chorus, which consists of 2nd and 3rd grade students. She tells me that on the mornings that she has chorus rehearsal, she misses out on doing her "bellwork", but just yesterday she actually finished after going to Chorus! She's my beautiful brown-eyed girl!

Carolyn! What can I say about Carolyn? With her big blue saucer-eyes, long, curly blond hair and chubby cheeks? She's such a love! Such an affectionate, happy, spoiled kid! One more year to go before Kindergarten! She and Daddy pal around all day during the week. I miss her terribly when I'm at work, and on weekends, she plays with her friend, Abby. She says she misses me, but she won't visit with me on the weekends. I guess she's happy knowing that I'm home, and that she can walk in the house and I'll be there, but playing with Abby is VERY important!

15 Years

2004-10-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

Fifteen years ago, on October 19, I had my last drink. I had left Key West FL and was in the Miami airport waiting for a connecting flight. Final destination, Buffalo NY and "Daddy's house". I was sitting at a bar in the airport, and figured that since I'm gonna quit, I'll have a private toast to my new life. So I ordered a REAL Madras. A real one, as opposed to MY version. Normal people drink a shot of vodka with orange juice and a splash of cranberry juice, the orange juice being the main ingredient. My version was a splash of orange juice, a splash of cranberry juice and the rest vodka. I was adding the orange and cranberry just for apperance's sake. But I was quitting that day, so I wanted to at least pretend that I could drink only one, and a normal one at that.

Looking back, I'm surprised I didn't go out with a bang; go on yet another bender, with the blackouts and anti-social behavior. Instead, I went out with a whimper, which, come to think of it, is exactly how I felt. Besides - I had just recently had one of those blackout-thingys, and I just didn't feel up to the task that day.

I was beat. Licked. I had tried everything imaginable to be able to drink like normal people, but nothing worked. I had also tried quitting on my own and that didn't work. I didn't realize it then, but I was on the verge of surrendering. Giving up the fight. I was desperate, paralyzed with fear, hopeless.

But I was going home to Daddy. I was grateful for that, because at that point I wasn't sure if he'd let me go home. By that time he wasn't talking to me very much. Little did he know that he was doing the best that he could have done for an alcoholic like me. "Detach" and "Tough Love". There really are names for that kind of stuff.

Almost immediately upon arriving home, I got busy trying to find some help. I didn't enter into a rehab, because I felt that I couldn't "miss out on life for a month". HAH! WHAT life??? I found where "meetings" were held and started going to those.

What I heard was amazing! The people there were telling my story! I couldn't imagine that other people felt like me! I thought I was the only one! From the beginning, I felt that I had come home.

And here I am, fifteen years later, a different woman. I'm not the hopeless, frightened, desperate person I was when I walked through those meeting doors. I've changed. My perspective has changed. I have recovered "from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body".

I suppose I could write about how it happened, but I think I'll leave that for future posts...

Amazement

2004-10-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying that I'm SOOO proud of my daughter, Grace. She simply amazes me. Maybe it's because she's growing up, or maybe it's because she's doing what I most feared to do as a kid, without blinking an eye.

Yesterday was the audition for the Florida All-State Chorus. Middle School and High School students from Hillsborough County gathered at Chamberlain High School in Tampa to take a written test, and if passed, a sight-reading audition in hopes to gain a seat in the Chorus.

Grace and 10 of her school-mates were "invited" to attend and had practiced twice a week after school for two months. They learned Music Theory and sight-reading.

We were told to be at the High School at 3:30 and that registration and testing would start at 4:00. HAH! They lied! Testing started at 5:15!!! And they KNEW it wouldn't start until then!
Oh, the memories of waiting! Of standing in line, waiting!

The first part of the written test was listening and multiple choice. Which of the four choices looks most like the passage played, etc. Another few questions were on intervals. The second part was without audio. The kids who passed the test were able to wait for another couple of hours before it was their turn to sight-read in front of two "adjudicators".

Finally, at around 7:30 pm, Grace was the next one in line to go into the "room" (in other words, she passed the written test). She was cool as a cucumber. I asked her if she was nervous, and she just shrugged her shoulders and said "No...". When she went in, I tried to listen through the door, but being the deaf person that I am, couldn't hear much.

This sight-reading thing was very difficult. There were three increasingly difficult passages that they had to read. A scale and corresponding arpeggio was played prior, and the student had to start on the tonic note. If, during the reading, they faltered, they had to start at the beginning and had only one chance to do that. They had only one chance to start over from the very beginning, so they were advised to try not to use their "start over" right away. They could choose to use a one syllable sound, like "la la la", or the note names "do re mi". Grace opted for the "do re mi" names, because she felt that it was easier for her. Personally, I would use "la la la", because I CAN'T go down the scale with "do re mi". I'm impressed!

Grace took everything in stride until I was tucking her in bed. Then she broke down and cried, announcing that she really messed up during the sight-reading. I told her that her absolute biggest accomplishment was going in there and trying her best. I told her that I was VERY proud of her and that it doesn't matter what the outcome is. I shared with her some of my auditioning experiences, and that I wasn't always accepted, just sometimes. I reminded her that she's already in "Notes Alive!", along with the other school choruses, and that is an accomplishment in itself. I also reminded her that what she had just faced was very difficult, that I've never seen such advanced demands on 7th and 8th graders.

She went to sleep, finally.

I think it's time to contact her Godfather, Frank Scinta, to let him know (brag) what she's doing...

Back to Business as Usual

2004-10-05T06:06:00.000-07:00

Well, this WAS A LONG THOUGHT OUT DIATRIBE, BUT THE STUPID INTERNET AT WORK LOST WHAT I TYPED WHILE I WAS TRYING TO POST!!!!!!! aarrggghhhh!

I'll try to recollect my thoughts, and post something at home, where I'm less likely to LOSE IT!!!!

Mean Jeanne

2004-09-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

Oops! I think I goofed!

Grace was invited to a birthday sleep-over in Apollo Beach in a gated community, in a big house on a canal. After I dropped her off, I was looking at the houses, awestruck, and decided that THIS is one of the places I'd like to move to next. After leaving the community I heard on the radio that we could feel the effects of Jeanne in the wee hours of the morning. Effects being tropical storm force winds and flooding. All of Apollo Beach is in evacuation level "A", which should be the first level to evacuate.

The closer I got to our house, the more foreboding I felt. "Should I have let Grace go?" "What happens if we're ravaged by this storm?" I arrived home and turned one of the local channels and found that the only mandatory evacuations are from mobile homes and RV's. I decided then, that I will go get her if they issue a mandatory evacuation for low-lying areas.

I think I've gotten "Hurricane Apathy". I really don't feel like preparing. I don't feel like sitting on the edge of my seat, or getting all nervous about the impending storm. I think Bob will eventually put the plywood up today, and we will bring in the patio stuff. We've gone through so much anxiety before the last three storms, only to get pretty much nothing, that I DON'T WANNA DO IT AGAIN!!! WAAAAAAHH!

I'll call Grace. I'll warn her that she may have to cut the fun short. She'll be mad at me for a month. A month isn't that long. Better to be safe than sorry!

The Morning Show

2004-09-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

Things aren't like they used to be.

Remember the good-old-days at school, when the morning announcements would be heard over the P.A. system, with all of that glorious feedback and other such noises?

The P.A. system is a thing of the past. Dinosaur-age.

At Meghan's and Emily's elementary school, they have what is called "The Morning Show", complete with Anchor's desk, video camera, teleprompter and various other new-fangled media equipment.

A few weeks ago, Meghan auditioned for the part of "Camera Person" and WAS ACCEPTED! Woo Hoo!

Their team now consists of two anchors, two camera people, and a teleprompter person who doubles as the Weather person. They have been practicing for about a week.

Their first live broadcast is on Monday, September 27. I'm tempted to sneak into school one morning and watch!

Meghan had mentioned that the camera people may switch with the teleprompter person from time to time. Can you imagine? Meghan as the Weather person!!

I think this is a great opportunity, don't you?

Let's play Dodgeball!

2004-09-14T06:11:00.000-07:00

Well, now that we can breathe a little easier with regard to Ivan, I have begun to put a little more effort into the job search.

At the advice of Charlene, I've enlisted a couple of job placement agencies again, along with applying for jobs online. One place set up an interview with a prospective employer, and I'm having second thoughts. It's a temp-to-perm position and pays only a dollar more an hour than what I'm getting now. This is a little frustrating to me, as I should have told the placement guy that I'm NOT interested. I always seem a little slow on the up-take, or not as assertive as I should be. What bothers me even more is that I told him what I wanted, and it looks as if he didn't hear me, or doesn't give a crap; he's working for the "employer". So, I put a call in to the agency to tell them I'm having second thoughts. I really don't want to waste my time (and lose money by taking time off work) on something that I'm not interested in.

The "degree" thing, or lack thereof, REALLY bugs me. Employers just can't seem to wrap their heads around the idea that accounting degrees aren't necessarily the end-all-be-all when it comes to knowledge. Maybe I have to be even MORE assertive in the interviews, and bring home the idea thet I have the knowledge!

Then comes the big question -- do I really want to continue to persue a career in Accounting? Seems like I get nowhere. Maybe it's because it doesn't bring me warm fuzzies like it used to. I REALLY get warm fuzzies when I "Carry the Message", but I know it would lose its impact if I did it for a living. I would like to get into the alternative health field, but that takes schoolin' too. Sheesh! Maybe I could be an apprentice, or something...

Duke Talent Identification Program (TIP)

2004-09-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

I lost the application. Grace brought home a brochure a few weeks ago and immediately commented on the fact that we won't be able to AFFORD this program that Duke University has for gifted kids, that I might as well just throw it away because she won't be able to participate. Heavy, heavy sigh... poor Grace... I did her an injustice by complaining all the time about how broke we are...

Actually, the application fee isn't all that expensive, and from what I've read, Grace would be able to practice taking the SAT or the ACT, among other things.

I called Gracie's Guidance counselor and asked if I could get another app. Mrs. Diaz told me that she has just ONE left - how lucky! She also felt that congratulations were in order for being invited to apply, and that Grace is a great kid. Hooray for our side!

This kid is "going places"!

Ivan the Terrible

2004-09-09T19:11:00.000-07:00

This doesn't look good. We're thinking of leaving. If we DO leave, we're going to have to start working hard and fast to get things prepared around here. More plywood, some sandbags, plastic bins; we also have to figure out what we'll take with us.

I got the photos back that I had given Grandma over the years. They're going with us. And maybe a few more...

Where would we go? Good question... We could go to Atlanta, or we could take a 2-day trek to Virginia. Yuck.

Let's hope that Ivan fizzles out, or decides to visit Texas instead, as a Category 0.

We've been lucky, even compared to others in our TOWN. After Frances, lots of people were flooded out, 12 to 20 feet, along the Alafia River. Some people in this area still don't have electricity, after almost a week. And that's just from 40 mile-per-hour winds! We've had no flooding and our power was on throughout.

Time for bed...

testing

2004-09-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

testing - our new "handle" is tropkelleys, because we moved from the "holler" to the "tropics". Hee hee