Must've Been a Full Moon
I HATE to sound like a victim, but oh, man, they were coming out of the woodwork over the past few weeks!
I got me a new...(shhh!) Sponsor. Her Grandsponsor was Bill W., the co-founder of... (shhh!) AA, which I think is way cool. I even got a plant that originated from Lois W. (wife of Bill).
She's a tough one. In order to get to know me, she's having me bring up old sh*t that I thought that I had gotten past. She's telling me stuff like I am not expressing myself well and it's like she has to pull the stuff out of me. She's told me (once) that I committed a "sin of omission" in order to alleviate the consequences of my "wrongdoing", or to try to place blame on someone else. But she's also said that I sell myself short, and that I need to remove the word blame and fault from my vocabulary. I don't like her, I'm finding. She bites me in the ass. She's truthful, blunt, and a no-nonsense kind of woman. I realize I need more work, which I don't like to hear at this point. I thought my insanity had been eradicated. She's very effective.
Although this woman is probably exactly what I need at this time, something that she exclaimed in our last session really bothers me, and I hope this doesn't get in the way of our working together.
What I perceived as a confrontation from her occurred at the end of a very confrontational week. I may have been feeling ultra sensitive, or this may have been the "straw that broke the camel's back". Nevertheless, my reaction was pretty much along the lines of,"WTF??? What is going on with people lately?? Are the crazies coming out of the closet???"
It started off with the neighbor lady bearing down on me and maligning my family because her kid hurt my kid. Did you hear that? HER kid hurt MY kid. And that means "the Kelleys" are scum. Imagine that.
Come to think of it, that was the second thing that happened. That morning was my first sit-down with my new sponsor, and I left there feeling distraught, feeling that I had just been ripped out of a cocoon. I was thinking that she didn't understand what I was there for and was assuming things about my life that were way off the mark. Of course she made some very valid points, but I was only concentrating on the "bad" stuff that she said - the stuff I didn't agree with.
So, going through the week, feeling maligned and misunderstood, I go back for another session with the sponsor. We were talking about starting new meetings (because I did in Virginia) and all of a sudden she said "Ya know, there's a saying we Southerners use - 'We don't give a damn how y'all do it up North!'" Then she went on a tirade about how all Northerners are the most arrogant people she's ever seen, especially the ones from NYC, and that they come down here and try to change things to "their way". My mouth dropped, I tried to say that Northerners are not arrogant, but she wouldn't have it. I THOUGHT..."SOUTHERNERS smile to your face while they stab you in the back!" but I didn't say it. I didn't say it. I didn't want to play.
I really don't get it. Well, yeah, I DO get it. No matter what the rules and regs are of an organization, if a Northerner tries to follow them in the South, they're a "Damn Yankee trying to change things".
In this case, again, as usual, it was not North vs South, it was AA PROGRAM VS AA FELLOWSHIP. It has nothing to do with North vs South, but some people want to see it as such. What these people don't get is, us Nawthunuhs do it up Nawth, too. There's Fellowship, diluted AA up Nawth, too. Sheesh.
I guess this goes back approximately 150 years...
So, I'm ready for a rest. I want to go back into my cocoon. It was so peaceful there.
No, really, I'm just taking this as a sign that I need to practice my confrontation skills. Stand up for myself and my family. Stop being a chicken. "Buck-buck-buck-buKAW!!!"
posted by Carrie Kelley at 8:22 AM
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